Not What I Intended, Total Vent + EDIT

This is not the Christmas post I intended on writing, but I need to vent and I need to vent now. And I know some of the people I'm venting about will read this and that helps a little because I need to get it out in hopes that maybe, just maybe I will be heard.

Why is it that when tragedy strikes, friends think it gives them the entitlement to act like total and complete douchebags? I know I've talked about this before, but it still gets to me and it continues and I am just... I'm angry now. Just about every widow I've talked to... well actually, I don't think there's one who hasn't gone through this... has similar stories. People walking out on them, people being down right mean. What gives?! Is this human nature? To see someone suffering and just be assholes?

I get it. Being friends with a widowed person is not always easy. Did I completely lose my mind? Yes. Did I lose part of myself? Yes. Was I not always the best person? Yes. But I can guarentee that I am trying my fucking best to deal with what I've been given. Having bad days, making what some may think are bad decisions, completely losing your mind - it's all part of this. I didn't just lose my husband, the love of my life, my soul mate. I lost part of myself with him. And with that, I lost the future we'd planned, everything we had hoped for and looked forward to. It's not just a person who isn't there anymore, it's my entire life that is different now, without any say from me. I didn't ask for this.When you lose the love of your life and the future you'd intended to have your entire world changes and nothing makes sense. You struggle to keep your head above water and you don't think straight. And that's why you need good friends there to guide you, to listen, to not pass judgement, to just be there even if it's in silence. Even if you can't think straight enough to remember to call them regularly, just fucking be there. Walking out, disappearing, being mean and perpetuating rumors are not the ways to be a good friend to a widowed person or a person going through any tragedy for that matter. The sad part is, it's the people who say things like "I will always be there for you" or "whatever you need" that are the first to close the door in your face. Maybe some people can't handle it, they can't take the sadness, they're afraid of what they would do in the same situation or they don't think they would handle it the way you did and don't like the way you choose to live. News flash - you have NO IDEA how you will handle it until you're walking in those shoes. And then how you do handle it, how you continue to live because it is the only choice you have will surprise even yourself.

I just don't get it, I could never imagine walking out on a friend in so much pain. Or saying that I'd always be there but not keeping my word. I guess that's the part that gets me the most - haven't I had enough promises broken? I suppose this whole thing has started to leave me jaded. I have little trust in people anymore. I don't put my whole heart into many people anymore because so many have just walked out when I needed them there the most. It's like they think I should be better. I'm not going to be better, or the same. Ever. I will always be "different." I will always miss him and I will always grieve. The grief will get lighter but it doesn't change that I am now a new person. A widowed person. And until you are a widowed person you will never, ever understand what that means. So what you really should do is be nice to everyone because you never know if and/or when you may end up in their shoes and if and/or when you do end up in their shoes (and I'm not just talking about my shoes I'm talking about anyone's, any undesirable situation) you'll have to understand and you'll wish you weren't such a dick to that person.

To the people who have stuck around, who have seen the best and worst of this journey and who have chosen to stay in my life and help me find my new person even if I've fallen down a few (or more) times, you mean the world to me. I hope you never have to learn how important friendship is when tragedy hits. I am forever grateful to those who said they'd be there no matter what and actually meant it. For the ones who, even if they had to give me a nice dose of tough love, stood by my side. And for the new friends I've made along this path who met me even through my crazy and still thought I was neat enough to get to know me now. Even though I'm a widow wanted to be my friend because of the person that I am. Thank you too.

Here is to the dawn of a new year. Leaving some of the shit storm of 2010 behind and the shitty people with it. The people who are meant to be in your life will remain and everyone else...? Learn from 'em and then... fuck 'em. Less angry post to come later. Promise.

Wanted to address a comment:
It sucks that you feel abandoned and disregarded. I often "hear" in your posts, me, me, me, me. YOU should take care of yourself, but you can't expect to be everyone's priority. You should have people around you who will support you, but you can't expect anyone to drop what they are doing because you are having a difficult time.

I have been through my own set of tragedies, and I have often been very hurt by the reaction of those around me because I felt like I needed more. The bottom line is, however, I wanted their lives to stop because mine did. Looking back, I should not have expected that. As time moves forward, you are going to get less and less support because people get tired of hearing about it. It is the reality of the situation.

Let me just say, I never, ever asked anyone to drop anything for me. Ever. I told my friends who couldn't make it to my husband's funeral that it was ok, that I understood. I was appreciative towards the ones who were with me but I held nothing against the ones who couldn't physically be there. I said from the beginning that I knew their guys were going to come home and their lives would return to normal and yet they assured me they'd be here, if even just by phone, when I needed them. I know damn well that friends can't drop everything and I would never, ever expect anyone too, but to completely walk out - that's a different story. I knew no one else's life would stop, me just living is proof of that - if my own life didn't stop, why would anyone else's? And if they're not there for me because "they're tired of hearing about it," then they weren't ever really my friend, because whether or not they want to hear about it, it's my life and even though such and such time as passed and I'm supposed to be "better" I still hurt. True friends can see and feel that and still have the compassion to listen every now and then. You don't know the exact situation that sparked this so I'd rather you not judge what I'm upset over. I keep things vague in order to not make a bigger deal than I need to to get my point across. The reason you might hear about me, me, me, me on my blog is, well let's see... maybe because it's my blog?? My space for talking about what's bothering me, how I'm handling things, what I wish for, what I want. And I think I do a good deal thinking about others and trying to take care of everything and everyone else, hence my need to always make everyone happy leading to out of control stress levels, but you don't see that, do you? Thanks for judging and making assumptions, and then not even having the balls to leave your name. Makes my point that much more clear.


  1. I'm so sorry you're having friend issues. Thats the worst. Especially when you do need them most. Thinking of you lovely ladies and hoping for a beautiful 2011 for you. (ps: more pics of your sweet girl, please?? :))

  2. I hope those you are talking about hear you, because this just isn't how friends should treat anyone, especially someone going through something as hard as this. You are so right about the people who say they will always be there are the first to leave. Sometimes it takes the slightest inconvenience for someone to show their true colors. No one can understand what you are going through, even another widow because every situation is different. I certainly can't begin to empathize with you at all but hearing your words makes me want at least try and understand. I hope things look up, and the toxic people in your life turn the other way.


  3. This, exactly this, is so beautifully worded. Tragedy changes a person, and unfortunately it's also the quickest way to find out what kind of people your friends truly are. I went through tragedy once and lost a lot of friends because I changed and didn't just get "better". I hate that you of all people have to experience it. Those that have actually been there, though, get the best thing- your love and trust. Those who left probably weren't ever worthy of your presence.
    You are so eloquent. Even if you don't think you are, I feel that your writing defines it. Thank you, again.

  4. hey, Your blog is amazingly beautiful and inspiring.. I am new to blogging, and was just wondering if you could tell me how to get started with the set up and everything?? I love your pictures at the top of your page, and did something similar for mine, but they wont stay center. Any help would be greatly appreciated.. God Bless && Happy Holidays!

  5. I am so sorry. I'm sorry people have let you down. I'm sorry your life got rewritten without your permission. You're right, the rest of us really have no idea what it's like for you. And yeah, I'll be the first to admit it's intimidating. But it's no excuse to abandon your friend. You deserve so much better than that.

  6. I sincerely hope that 2011 brings you some peace and stronger friendships. You do not deserve to be going through what you are going through right now, and I am so sorry for that.

  7. My only regret is that we don't live closer to one another. I've been through the same stupid crap with my friends and what my family has been through (not that my situation is the same as yours, but I have been through the hypocrisy and backstabbing). It gets so old, so fast. I get that. I'm glad you vented. I hope the people who needed the message got it loud and clear and figure out where they stand. You certainly do need to stick by those who are strong, encouraging, and above all, loving and supportive. I feel like I'm writing such a dumb and rather elementary comment here, but I do want you to know that there's a large group of bloggers in cyber-world who would drop whatever they're doing to come and be the friend you need at a moment's notice. Maybe I'm speaking for myself. Yea, I guess I am. We haven't even met, but reading your blog, I feel semi-close to you.

    Cheering you on in prayer...


  8. You rock girl. I admire your strength and you are very right..if people choose not to keep important promises made to you then "fuck em". You will get through this with your true friends. Keep writing, seems like it helps a lot :)

  9. ((hugs)) That's all I can say. Your new Twitter friends are there. And pretty much any time of the day.

  10. you go girl! honestly, fuck the bitches. although i have no freakin' clue what you went/are going through, when I had my son, my girls left me. i had post partumn and no one gave a shit (you vent is now mine). i think you are freakin' awesome and i am so glad that you do have some great people in your life. even though we've never met, love you girl! p.s. definetely need more pics of Ari!

  11. As always, I'm here for you!!!!!! If you ever need a friend in the middle of the night (not gonna lie, youd have to let it ring a few times! I'm not as quick as I once was!) or in the middle of the day... I'm here.

    I don't know what you're going through, but I'm a great listener... Even if you just want to talk about poop!

    Love you!!! And I'm glad we're friends!! :-)

  12. Friends don't let friends be douches.
    Yay for you for getting this out. Love you!


  13. It sucks that you feel abandoned and disregarded. I often "hear" in your posts, me, me, me, me. YOU should take care of yourself, but you can't expect to be everyone's priority. You should have people around you who will support you, but you can't expect anyone to drop what they are doing because you are having a difficult time.

    I have been through my own set of tragedies, and I have often been very hurt by the reaction of those around me because I felt like I needed more. The bottom line is, however, I wanted their lives to stop because mine did. Looking back, I should not have expected that. As time moves forward, you are going to get less and less support because people get tired of hearing about it. It is the reality of the situation.

  14. {{{hugs}}} to you. Shitty people is the last thing you should ever have to deal with!

  15. I think everyone needs to see this... everyone. Because it is true. People change when faced with tragedy/undesirable situations... and people don't stick around, it's terrible. I pray those that need to see this do, and that you can find the friends that are honest and love you for you no matter what the situation.

  16. It's a shame that people act this way. We as humans are asked to do one thing and that is to love one another, love everyone. It's just a shame how vicious and judgmental people can be when they aren't in that position. Just remind your "friends" we deserve each others respect simply because we've survived all we have and kept going anyway.

  17. I am sorry that you're having to deal with crappy friends on top of everything else. I hope that 2011 brings you lots of sunshine. Big virtual *HUGS*

  18. Oh honey, how horrible. I won't lie, I just started reading your blog a few months ago and don't know you personally but I would be willing to help you in any way I could. You run a race near me, I'll be there, you fund raise for Jonny, I'll donate, heck you could even call me and I'd let you vent or cry. I hope that doesn't sound creepy(ha!) but I've had friends turn their back on me and it's a terrible feeling.

    You don't need those people dear. Onward and upward!

  19. You never know who your TRUE friends are until the real tough times hit. It's those true friends you hold onto for life!

    But I agree, I wonder sometimes why people nowadays just lack so much compassion.

  20. I've been following your blog for a while now... and I love your choice of words and such. I can't even imagine the tragedy and reality you have had to face, but what is worse is that you are dealing with this kind of drama in the midst of it all.. If they aren't real friends then they don't deserve your friendship.

    I would love to talk to you more on facebook or something! I have a daughter and she loves to play with others!! :)

  21. RJP I told you I would be there for you and I am a man of my word. When I met you and your family I was just had that feeling that we would be friends. I may throw up when I don't feel right, otherwise I will be in here to fill in the gap!


  22. I am the anonymous person. I do not have any of of the accounts listed, but my name is Melissa, and I am a Marine's wife as well.

    You obviously missed my point. It should be about YOU to YOU, but you cannot expect it to be about YOU to everyone.

    It sucks. It really does. I've lost a child. It is a pain unimaginable unless you have been there. I had the same expectations that you did for awhile. Guess what? It is how it is. No matter who it is, eventually, people don't want to hear about it anymore. Been there, done that.

    Friends come and go. Some cannot handle these types of intense emotional situations. Find friends who can, and move on. There is no point in dwelling on it because you are giving them the satisfaction of knowing they got to you.

    The bottom line is that YOUR life changed. Their life did not. They cannot understand why you are stuck; why you are different. Many times, they don't want to hear about your woes because it brings them down.

    Like I said, it sucks, but it is how it is. I am living proof of that as well.

  23. Big HUGS girl! Your blog is a place for you to say whatever you are feeling, you shouldn't have to edit. And there are people out there who will always be there for you, even after the sucky ones have gone. I don't personally know you, but I'm a Marine wife as well, and if you ever needed to talk, I would be here for you in a second. I think that's how it should be and I'm sorry for your loss, and that people have left you because of it.

  24. Hey, it's your blog and you're allowed to cry/vent if you want too ;) You worded everything amazingly. I am sure you are SICK of hearing this, but keep your chin up sweetie. Stick to the people you know will stick around - parent's, your daughter, your TRUE friends.

  25. I'm so sorry you are going through this time. I know what you mean about people coming on your blog and making comments about you talking only of yourself. My soon to be ex husband's family friend did the same thing. Um yeah excuse me...this is MY blog and I'll write about whatever THE HELL I want to whenever I want to. It's super annoying.

    Just take care of yourself, do what you need to, vent when you need, and live your life how you need to live it. Don't listen to anyone else but yourself.

  26. ". I didn't just lose my husband, the love of my life, my soul mate. I lost part of myself with him. And with that, I lost the future we'd planned, everything we had hoped for and looked forward to. It's not just a person who isn't there anymore, it's my entire life that is different now, without any say from me. I didn't ask for this.When you lose the love of your life and the future you'd intended to have your entire world changes and nothing makes sense. "

    I've been trying to put that feeling into words. Thank you.

  27. since i started following your blog i am amazed at how strong you are!! raising your daughter and making sure choices you make are good for both of you and something your man would be support, which by the sounds of him he definately must be!

    you are a truly strong woman and no matter what anyone says i have never noticed your blog being you you you but what is going on and how you are feeling... and for a soldiers wife about to start our 3rd deployment then special forces i definately love reading and seeing someone be able to go on since you never know!!

    i hope you and your daughter were blessed for christmas and have a better 2011!!

    best wishes through this season!

  28. I read this entry and you couldve have explained it better. I too am I going through the same exact position. I might not ever understand why people do and say the things they do. I have never been so shocked with peoples ways since my husband has died. Its a shame that it takes my husband to pass to find out who my true friends are. Hell, its only been 3 weeks since Chad has died and I am already having the same shit happening to me. Its gotten to the point to where I dont care what people think and say. Its my life and more than ever...I decide who I let into my life and who I dont't. It's crazy how you are so far into this and people are still acting this way. I am so sorry. People have truly surprised me in this situation. I know theres nothing I can do or say...but I hope we (and any other widows in this position) can find our peace. Because now more than ever...we have to rely on ourselves before anyone else. I don't know you but I love you.

  29. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time love. People change and grow and often times it's in opposite directions, since moving to be with my Marine, I've definitely had my eyes opened as to who were real friends and who weren't. If these "friends" are sick of hearing about what's going on with you, then you don't need them. You have a great support system here and with other Mil Spouses. Sending you hugs your way.

    The P's Plus Semper Gumby

  30. This is to Melissa...

    You think you "get it" but you obviously don't. First of all the post is titled "Total Vent", she's thinking out loud and getting things off her chest. As a widow you can't vent to your husband about things like this... As a woman you should know that venting is necessary to process. The beauty of blogging is it provides a safe place to do that.

    Never once has she said she expected everyone to drop what they're doing and make it all about her. It's not fair for you to assume that just because YOU wanted others lives to stop that she feels the same. You sound so condescending with your "been there done that." Since you have been there then you should be a little more understanding and empathetic. Just because she's disappointed in a few friends in no way means that she expects "everyone" to make it all about her.

    Unfortunately widowhood is not just some topic you stop talking about or some label you can abandon because "people don't want to hear about it anymore." It's part of who you are, it fundamentally changes you.

    Your advice is to find friends who can deal with the emotional stuff and move on... Well didn't you finish reading the post that's exactly what she's doing.

  31. Wow girl. I really have a hard understanding why some friends could turn their backs like that. I really would have thought that your biggest problem would be people not giving you space or people who were only frien-emies before suddenly hitting you up on facebook all the time wanting to know if you "need anything." Real friends turning their back on you shouldn't be the problem. I'm so sorry on top of everything else you are going through {especially this time of year} that you have to deal with that garbage.

    2011 is a new year. It might not be starting the way you thought and you might be a very different person than the RJP who rung in 2010...but you still pretty much rock. I think those of us who know that faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrr out number the ones who don't.

  32. I know it's hard, but try not to take it personally. Sometimes people have their own stuff and can't be as unconditional as they promised. I see what you mean though, why say such things if there is seemingly no intention to follow them through? To live up to what they have gone out of their way to make you expect? Afterall, there wouldn't be any expectation on your part if they hadn't said it first. Unless it was only lip service and the want to make you feel better, even if momentarily.

    It is really hard isn't it. When you are so knee deep in your tragedy, and yet there seems to be no anchor or way to ground yourself anywhere. Nothing left but the memories, the unfulfilled dreams, the shattered foundation of a life you always hoped to have.

  33. Thanks for sharing. I can't imagine a day in your shoes. I've lost friends over way less so I feel for you. Hoping 2011 is a year of peace for you.

  34. I honestly, cannot imagine what you are going through, the pain you are feeling, the hurt etc.
    For your friends to walk out on you, is.. Well... I don't want to say selfish but thats the word that comes to mind.. Friends are supposed to be there, through the good and the bad.. This year I've found out who my true friends are, and unfortunately, I think you have as well.
    Keep your head up, and keep on pushing, you are an inspiration to us all..
    <3 Heather

  35. It doesn't matter the situation or who a person has lost, no friend that is a true friend will ever walk away from you. I've never been in your situation, but I've been following your blog for a while now. At times my heart breaks for you and I cannot imagine your pain.

    My best friend lost one of her close friends in an accident 7 years ago. I wasn't as close with him as she was, but she was hurting. She was in a horrible state of depression for at least two years after the accident. I'll admit, at times it would be be frustrating, but I knew she needed me. There were times that I thought, "I want my friend back," but then realized I was being selfish. I didn't know her loss or even her exact feelings. I don't think any friend truly knows a griever's grief, as much as we try to understand it. She lost a lot of friends because she shut down, but I stuck by her and we're still best friends today.

    You're a beautiful woman with such eloquent writing. Don't let people try to tear you down. No one can fully understand your grief. No one. Your friends need to understand that everyone grieves differently. You lost a tremendous part of your life and of yourself. My heart and prayers are with you always.

  36. Well said hun. I am so sorry that you have to deal with people like that on top of anything else. You know in the bloggy world there are tons of people who love you and will be here for you whenever you need it! Here is to leaving the shit behind in the new year. I wish you and that beautiful baby girl of yours all amazing and wonderful things. <3

  37. I too was dropped by my so called friends when my husband was severely injured. I talked about it almost non-stop for 3 years because I was in a living hell. I had a couple that stuck around and they are all that I needed in the end. I am sorry you are going through this but you have a right to feel grief and loss over loosing your friends too.

  38. Oh honey, I know how it feels to be abandoned and feel like you have no one but yourself to rely on. You are an incredible person and I am so privileged to have gotten to know you and the times that we talk I really enjoy our conversations. You are an inspiration to me and I'm sure a lot of other people. I really do hope we stay friends and I'm sad that I'm moving so shortly after meeting you. Keep your head up and leave those friends behind if they're not cutting it. You deserve better than that and despite all this, I hope you had a really great Christmas.

    P.S. Hang out soon!? Yes.

  39. two thumbs up! I feel you, I hear you, I get it! Thanks for putting it all into words so well.

  40. I love you Rach. My life changed (not near as much as yours) but it did change right a long with yours. I consider you my family and you know that we love you more than anything in the whole world and that we will be here for you :) You are such an amazing person anyone who KNOWS you knows what I am talking about. You might have had some ups and downs... but hey, you are entitled to it and a true friend should be there for you every step of the way.
    For those who don't know you, you don't make everything about you (even though it'd be okay if you did) and your true friends know that. I am going to have to learn quick routes to the new place!!! lol I love you sweetie and always will.

  41. I think everything should be about YOU! It's YOUr blog, YOU are the one who lost YOUr soulmate, & YOU are the one who has to live with it everyday!

    Friends should be there like they say they will be, of course their lives don't stop, bc neither did your's but they should drop everything for you when you need them! That's when you find out who your true friends are!

    If they are 'tired of hearing about it' then let them go! Real friends shouldn't ever get tired of hearing about your problems! This isn't something that is just going to go away! So I say get rid of the negative in your life & be glad they're gone! You only need positive people around you!

    And to 'Melissa' didn't your parents teach you if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all!

    Be strong Mrs. P! And God bless!

  42. Well, I hope the rest of your Christmas was better than this :)
    Hang in there lady! :) xoxo

  43. So I am a recently new reader. I found your blog via another blog one day and I have to say you are truly an amazing person. To have a new child (or be about to have a child, I read that entry awhile ago) at the time of your husbands death and to keep pushing forward is truly an inspiration. I know how you feel about friends walking out all together, however I don't know the feeling of true loss. I thank you for writing this blog. My man deploys for his first tour in 2011 with the Canadian Armed Forces and I know that if anything shall happen your blog will be the one I go to first for inspiration to get through. Keep on doing what you do and screw those who can't be there for you. It's there loss cause by just reading this site I can tell you are truly an amazing woman!

    Lots of thoughts your way! May 2011 be filled with happiness and the laughter of TRUE friends!

  44. The first time I ran across your blog was in February, you left me a comment back, and I was so excited because I made another military wife friend.

    When I first heard about the tradegy I bawled my eyes out. I've never had that kind of reaction to a blog before but I just could not stop crying.

    I could tell from that very post that you had the life sucked out of you and everything about you personally was about to change, and I didn't even know you like a best friend would.

    I have continued to read along, and stay informed in your life and try to leave positive comments because I care. I would love to meet you in real life, I would love to help see you become a new you through this journey.

    Those people that actually have the opportunity to be there and be a good friend have NO excuse to walk out on you, when I for one think it would be an honor to even have coffee with you!

    When those people walk, just let them go. They don't deserve your respect and friendship. I hope and pray that you are surrounded with good, strong people that can help you through this battle and maybe they themselves will learn something new about life, have changes to, and grow with you.

    Thank you for teaching me things about myself through your journey!

  45. Melissa,

    I am one of her friends that was by her side. She never once asked ANY of us to just put our lives on hold. NOT ONCE. Some of us chose to be there for her all day whenever needed. That was because we chose too.. not because she asked.
    I do not feel that you would have stated what you did if you honestly knew her like a lot of us do.
    Oh, and our lives changed. Maybe not as much as hers... but I know for a fact that mine and my husband's life changed. 1. because he was our friend. 2. Because she is our friend and we were devastated knowing that her life was full of such pain and sorrow. BUT!!! She holds her head high and I couldn't be any more proud of her. It is her blog... she isn't suppose to talk about other people. Like she said, she is addressing HER issues.
    Also, to say that any of her friends DON'T want to hear about her woes... wow. Seriously missed that one. I talk to her whenever she wants. It does make me sad...because my best friend is hurting. I know that her true friends don't feel this way.

  46. True friends DON'T get tired of hearing about your sadness. I have a friend who went through something horrible over a year ago and I am never too tired or too busy to stop and liste3n and talk or text. That's the difference between the important friends and the folks that you don't need.

    My Favorite saying of ALL time...

  47. Seriously RJP!! Please find something new to complain about! I'm really sick and tired of hearing about this same shit. MOVE ON ALREADY!! I mean, it's been what like 9 months now!! Shouldn't you be fixed!!!? You're really bringing me down, and THAT IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE!! Everything is always YOU YOU YOU, blah!! Get new friends, and make them love you!

  48. Oh my Gosh! Rachel, My heart hurts for you. I can not even imagine what its like to be going through what you are and having people just leave you. and the comment posted by the annonymous person. that's just cruel.

    I know there is a passage in the bible that states something like this.

    "Blessed is he who cares for orphans and WIDOWS!!!!" I believe he states that because you go through more amounts of emotional pain at the loss of a a very vital part of who you are.

    I wish I could be there for you.


  49. Melissa, I don't know nor do I know Mrs P. (I came across your blog from my friend Ashleigh's.) How disrespectful can you be to a fellow Marine wife? I hope that you never are in her place. Nor have to have to experience her pain. To compare ones grief to your own is never the same as two people experience it differently.

    I take it from your comments you are quiet young and immature Melissa. Do us all a favor and don't make the situation worse by commenting on things you know nothing about.

    To belittle and say her friends shouldn't pretty much care. Well good friends stick by their friends. I too have seen friends turn their back when their friends needed them the most. Post disrespectful comments and make the tragedy pretty much about them instead of the person it effects.

    Yes they are grateful that it wasn't their husband but to throw it basically in someones face is what makes them bad friends. I am sure the wives who husbands who didn't make it home never wish that pain on anyone. Just a simple phone call to ask them how their day is makes a difference not to be forgotten.

    Mrs. P, Chrissy, and Ashleigh, you all have my prayers. Sorry if I offended anyone but Melissa got under my skin.

  50. This post really makes me regret my decisions. I always wanted to reach out to you and try to be there for you but I always felt that you didn't need someone else asking if you're ok and telling you I'm here to help. Especially since we hardly know each other. I also have to admit that I did hold back because you're tragedy scared me. I'm so close to sending my husband over seas before our baby is born and I guess I just wanted the last thing on my mind to be him not coming home.

    I know that I didn't walk out on you like you mention in your post but I see how selfish I was now and that everyone can always use an extra shoulder to cry on and hand to guide them.

    You are such a strong woman and an incredible inspiration to anyone who comes across you I'm sure. Some people are meant to be in your life and others aren't. Just keep your head up and your spirit strong.

  51. You are a strong and inspirational person. I can't imagine what you're going through. I even had friends stop talking to me when my boyfriend went to boot for the USMC. It's wrong, but obviously they don't realize what kind of friend they lost, but they will one day and they'll be kicking them selves for it! I just try to tell myself that's how I find out my REAL friends, the ones who stand by me thru it all.

    && MELISSA: if you dont like her blog, or how shes greiving, or what she says, why follow it and throw your two cents where its unwanted? this is HER blog, where she writes what SHE pleases about whatever and who ever she wants, you dont like it go somewhere else!

  52. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. Even if you can't see the strong woman you are, we do. That little girl is your guiding light and it shows. She's the only one who matters. You do what you do to get through this because of her. As a mother, I understand that.
    I'm sorry your friends have left. I can't believe people would do that to someone who needs a shoulder to cry on every now and again. I know you don't know me, but I'm here. It's all I've got to offer, yet I've learned it helps sometimes.

    Keep your head held high. NOBODY knows the troubles you've been through. Nobody feels your pain deep down inside. Nobody has to but you, and that is something everybody needs to understand.

  53. Like I said on FB "A-Fucking-Men". I hadn't seen the "edit" when I posted that, though so- To hell with the people who want to bring you down, and to hell with those who don't follow through. (((HUGS)))

  54. Hey Rach... You and I have commented on each others blogs for some time now. I just wanted you to know that through your tragedy you've been gracious and strong. I'm not sure what I would do in your shoes.

    All the same my comment is more a question do you know MandyMy and was she joking to prove a point? or was she just being shitty for the sole purpose of being shitty and a bully. All I can say to Melissa and Mandy (if she was in fact serious) was Karma's a bitch. Just because you have the opportunity to say something shitty to another person doesn't mean you should. Hold your tongue.

    And a big ps: People suck. Not all people and not all bloggers (as you know) don't let the bad apples get you down! Hang in there, keep meeting new people and making new friends and please (on behalf of reasonable, kind and empathic people/bloggers) keep blogging!

    Much love Mrs. P!

  55. Reading about you & your husband brought a tear to my eye. I couldn't imagine the emotions you go through daily. I love this post. Venting is always good and I don't understand how anyone, especially a friend, could do these things to you. You dont deserve that, at all! Keep your head up and forget about those who do you wrong, you're better than them anyway!!

    ps: your little girl is abosutely adorable!

  56. It hurts to be around hurting people - raw emotions are hard to handle. It takes a lot of effort to be a friend to someone going thru any life crisis. Some people mean well, but in the end, don't have what it takes. And some probably even rationalize it to themselves by blaming you. For those that do have what it takes, grab on to that relationship and hold on, because they are indeed precious.

    I am glad you have the "true-blue-stick-like-glue" friends that will let things be about YOU for a long time, because that's exactly how it needs to be.

  57. What a f*cking b*tch. Period. Shaking my head. Every post you have ever written touches me. I love YOUR blog.

    Take care girl!
    Richelle O'Reilly

  58. Uh, I know everyone is ragging on Melissa but MandyMy's comment is FAR worse, I hope it was a joke. I hope you feel better after venting.

  59. The reason I read your blog is to hear about YOU! My son came back safe and sound but I was a mess for a year with worry. I found there was only one person that actually cared and checked on me and let me talk, cry, vent to her. Even family was not there. My situation was hard but it was nothing compared to what you are going through. I want to continue to read about you and how you are coping. Somewhere down the road you will be helping others.

  60. I don't comment often, but after this one had to. We have similar situations, yet drastically different. Both husband's in the military (we're Army), both Momma's, both grieving. My daughter died at the age of 2 from AML leukemia 10 1/2 years ago. What the little anomn. comment wrote, well she sucks. I discovered who my real friends were from when Jordyn was dx and then got an even clearer glimpse when she died. True friends stuck it out. Grief is UGLY and sometimes it's horrifying and other times is softer. The first year not a single person has a right to ever say a single word to you about how you're grieving. At all. IF you were 5 yrs into this and still in the 1st year of grief stage, that'd be one thing, but you're months out, you haven't even reached the 1 year mark and you just went through Thanksgiving and Christmas and you managed to come out seemingly with a smile on your face.

    I am praying for you and now off to catch up and see where you're moving to.

    God's Blessings

  61. douchebags are never friends!

    "And that's why you need good friends there to guide you, to listen, to not pass judgement, to just be there even if it's in silence." I haven't walked in your shoes, but I would like to think I could support a friend, even in silence. Sorry to hear your going through such a thing.
    Those who left probably weren't ever worthy of your presence!

    Good luck out there girly- happy new year and out with the old and shitty!

  62. Rock on Mrs. P. Awesome blog, keep up the great work. I thought about you a lot over Christmas, even though I don't even really know you. I knew that this would be the hardest holiday for you. My grandfather recently died and we always look for the cardinals. We've been told that cardinals are a sign that a deceased loved one is near. I hope you find them as easily as we do. Keep your head held high -- the true military wives are behind you.

  63. Wow, I just read this post and all the comments to "Melissa" and honestly everyone else who is judging Melissa and shooting her down are all hypocritical and doing what they are accusing her on doing. And honestly Melissa does have some truth in what she is saying. She may not have lost her husband, but she lost her child and that in itself is hard as well and she also is going through something. I am a Marine wife and I don't believe she was being disrespectful at all. She was voicing her experiences as well. Experiences that " the friends" who keep bashing this girl haven't been through. Sometimes reality isn't what we want to hear, but it doesn't mean it isn't present. These attacks against this person show YOUR IMMATURITY not hers.


  64. Totally had friends do this to me when I lost my first child, people surely can be cruel. I give it to you for laying it out there.

  65. Please tell me MandyMy was kidding? or seriously drunk?? WTF.

    Rachel- YOU are one of my role models. I am inspired by YOU! YOU keep it real! Life is not all hugs, chocolate, kisses, and roses.... It is real, heart breaking, and someone gets the shit card. Rachel, keep it real. If people dont like it then they can read another blog....

    Not to rag on Melissa, but honey, I lost MY baby too... and guess what? Same shit happened to me, friends- gone. New friends stepped in... The "I promise to be here if you need me...." gone.. I truly thought I saw smoke on the heals of some people when I told them what happened...

    I lost my baby, Rachel doesnt understand THAT aspect as she has her's. I didn't lose a husband and I cant understand THAT because Rachel did....

    I lift my hat to her (so to say) and commend her for what she is doing. She is living, being a mother, a widow, and trying to stay afloat and doing a damn good job...

    Rachel-- BTW, we ALL make unjust decisions and are (some of us are)NOT a widow-- so dont let people shake fingers at you! Give them that 'special' finger right back!

    Hugs and POSITIVE thoughts-- from Akron, Ohio.

  66. Let me just say I give this a big fatty AMEN shout out! My respect level for you has always been high but it has shot through the roof. You keep doing what you're doing because the important people know how incredible you are. Loves!

  67. Well said, Rach. Keep holding your head high. Always remember: "A true friend knows the song of your heart and will sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

  68. I really sorta think everyone misunderstood what Melissa was getting at. I think she meant that it's not Rachel's fault these peeps are leaving. It doesn't make them bad people. It just means they don't have what it takes to be there. Or to "hear it again and again." She said it with hard, cold, truth. She didn't say 'friends getting sick of it' is right. It's just the hard truth of it. Even your true-blue friends get nervous, or don't know what to say once in awhile. They may not admit it, but it's human nature. It's human nature to want to avoid that of which makes one uncomfortable. Some are strong enough and love you enough to not care about what they feel. Those are the ones to hold on to.

    In Melissa's defense: I can't imagine picking up the pieces after losing a husband, but to lose a child? That would bury me right along with him/her. I think a lot of you should feel a little shame for jumping all over Melissa. She meant well I think.

    I pray for both of you; for your healing hearts. God be with you.

  69. Mrs. P I just started following your blog a couple weeks ago. I just have to say that I applaud you for your strength, and class through this all. And I give you a standing ovation for sharing your life stuggles, and weaknesses on here for all to read. That takes some guts (I was gonna use another body part, but thought better of it lol) My BFF in WA is now a widow (her husband was a National Guardsman) but he wasn't KIA, but under a whole other set of circumstances...When she called me that night at 9pm I booked my flight 3 hrs later at 12am, and my flight left out of RDU at 6am (I had 2 hrs to pack and get on the road, I'm here in Jacksonville) Its been just over a year since his death, and I DON'T care if she talks about it, cries about it, or yell about everyday for the rest of her life with me....Because I'm her bestfriend I'm here for her NO matter what. I'm here for her in anyway that she needs me. And she knows that. Thats what best friends do. So even if you are Me, me, me about losing your husband, thats ok you're allowed to grieve and feel whatever, and you should be able to vent to your friends if you need to without them getting pissy about it. You seem like a beautiful person on the inside as well as the outside, you have a beautiful daughter. Hang in there as best you can. <3 From one Marine wife to another <3

  70. You are freaking amazing for what you're going through & still keeping that smile on your face! No, it may not be there all the time, & sometimes you may need a friend to lean on. But guess what, "anonymous", THAT'S OK! Real friends are supposed to be there during the awful times. No matter how many late phone calls, visits, long trips to visit if they live far away, no matter what. I've been reading your blog for about 6 months now, ever since I stumbled upon it, & I think you're doing so amazing trying to heal as best you can & trying to go on. & look at how wonderful a mom you are! I know your husband is looking down from Heaven with the biggest grin full of pride. & look at how maturely & calmly you replied to the "anonymous" comment. "Anonymous", you can shove it. You have no idea what a real friend is & that's your loss.

    Mrs. P, I just want to add that your blond hair looks fantastic, Ariana is beautiful, & I keep you guys in my prayers!

    -Amy, a fellow Marine wife <3


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