I've been seriously missing the Christmas spirit this year. It's sad and unfortunate, but true. I wish I could skip this entire season and get to mid-May. All this stuff, back to back... it's just too much. I've been in more pain the last 2 months than I was this whole journey I think. The reality of everything is just slamming in. The anniversaries, the holidays, the birthdays... all at once, we don't really get a break. Back to back to back. I'm doing my best, I partook in some secret Santas and really tried to get my holiday enthusiasm up but I'm just having a hard time. I'm so thankful that my daughter is too young to really realize. I still do my best for her, I get excited and we went to see Santa, but an older child would probably be able to detect the disdain I'm carrying for the entire thing. Oh, Lord, give me strength to pull through this time of year as happy as possible and stop being so Scrooge-like. I used to love Christmas and everything about the holidays... sigh.

I am, however, excited about moving into our new house. I found a new house close to where the old one is that is bigger with more space for Ariana and I, and all of our stuff. It's gorgeous and in our price range so I jumped on it and we get our keys on January 1st and will be working on moving the 1st through the 10th. I don't think we'll live in the CL area permanently, but that's where we are for now. I'm starting school again in January. This time, I'm going to Cosmetology school. I know, complete 180 from what I've done/talked about doing but it's something I've always wanted to do that I think I'll have fun doing and hopefully be good at. I just want to make people feel pretty, when you look good you feel good - that's why I usually do myself because it helps me to feel a little better. I also want to continue writing, hopefully one day I'll get paid for it but until that day comes I'll be here, blogging away and on DStripped, well as long as they'll have me! Haha. So that's what I'll be doing come the new year, so even though I've been feeling poopy about my favorite holidays, at least I'm excited about something right?

New year, new house, new school, new start? Not that a new start means leaving the past behind (I'll never ever leave my love behind or forget him) but hopefully taking a couple steps forward in this journey...

And Oh yeah, I forgot to do my photo for yesterday
Day 4: A Photo of your night

Ariana pulled this box off the chair over to the right, pushed it against the gate, then climbed on top of it trying to get in the kitchen where grandpa was heating up her dinner.


  1. You do have some wonderful things to look forward to!

  2. I'll be thinking of you and Ariana on Christmas. Nothing anyone says will help you get through the holidays. It really, really just sucks. I think you have every right to be angry and not be wanting to partake in the season. You're allowed to feel however you want. And you're right that Ariana is so little, she won't remember a thing.

    When you're ready, you might want to look into Grief Share. It's a grief group/program and there usually are groups everywhere. Might help you to be around other people who are hurting and experiencing loss. The website is I think. Hugs!

  3. It's okay to be a scrooge sometimes. We can't all be holly jolly, lol. I'm excited that you're going for cosmetology. I just went back to work last week and I have to admit, I missed it a lot!
    Love & Hugs!

  4. What a smart little girl!! This seriously gave me smiles. Good luck with the moving. :)

  5. ((HUGS)) I love that Ari is trying to get to her food faster!!!! Smartie Pants!!!

    I hope you're okay. If you need someone... i'm here for you!

  6. Shes so big :) congrats on the new house.

  7. That picture is hilarious and adorable all at once! :)

  8. That is one smart little girl you have there!! :) Just wait till she hits two and three...than you're really in trouble lol :)

  9. My dad passed away on December 5th, 1976 and I was 7 years old. I don't know how my mom was able to put up the Christmas tree, decorate the house, buy presents, etc. But she did. I remember like it was yesterday that she would sit on the couch, staring at the Christmas tree, listening to Johnny Cash sing, "If We Make It Through December, Everything Is Going To Be All Right." I was devastated that my dad was gone, but it hurt even more to see my mom suffer like she did. My mom still goes to the cemetery every Saturday to put fresh flowers on his gravesite and wipe off his photo. She spends time there talking to him too. She always says how she wishes he could have seen me grow up. So every year when December rolls around, there are always difficult memories to deal with. But I'm married now and I have two daughters and I want to leave them with the best Christmas memories possible. To end this long comment, I just wanted to let you know that I think of you and Ariana and Jonny all the time.


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