Maybe it's there every second of every day, maybe it hits you like a brick wall when you're least expecting it. But when it hits, you know. Your soul is aching. My soul hurts right now. There's emptiness and there is pain.
This was not the life I had planned. I'm sure anyone in my shoes would say the same. I'm sure people not in my shoes say it, too. But really. This isn't it. When I said "Til death do us part," I didn't think it'd be when I was 23 and you had just turned 26. I didn't think it'd be during your first deployment. I thought we had many deployments ahead of us. I didn't think it'd be before you met your daughter. I didn't think it would be when we were just starting. I didn't think we wouldn't get to grow old together. I didn't think...
I've been thinking about moving. Fresh start, new beginning. Definitely not leaving the past behind, but looking toward a new future. I'm so torn, though. This was our home together. Will I ever feel at home ever again? "Home is whenever I am with you" Lyrics to Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros' Home. Truer words don't exist. Am I destined to be perpetually homeless?
I want to move to southern California. I want to live in constant sunlight. I want to be warm. I don't want to be too far from the Marine Corps (oddly enough). I've always wanted to live in Southern California. I wanted to go there for college but did not. We did not get stationed there. I did not want to come back from Vegas, I wanted my child and my stuff to meet me out there.
Why not move? Why not just go? Why not just close your eyes and jump?
It's the best time to go. The baby's not in school and can go basically anywhere. I've got a year to use TMO (yeah, that ends in 4 and a half months, decide, Mrs P, decide)
But I leave so much behind. I leave behind my mom and dad. We're so close, would it break her heart? Would it be even harder for me?
I leave behind our one house (did I plan here to live my whole life?) that we lived in. I leave behind the friends that have become family to me (the ones that have stuck around. Definitely my family).
Is the fresh start in a sunshiney place worth it? I don't know. I don't know where I'm supposed to be. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. And I'm fucking terrified. There is absolutely no certainty anymore.
A freakin' sign or something would be nice. One that I can read. Plain and simple.
Thanks.
Oh, love. I wish I could say something that would help you. I often think about going away once I graduate to start fresh, but it is such a struggle. Josh's parents are moving this week and even that hurts because it was one of the last places we were together.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get an answer that points you in the right direction. So Cal sounds pretty good though! I would come visit you :)
I wish we didn't have to feel this pain and emptiness..
Love you girl <3
I will continue to pray for you! Pray for you to hear what God has in store for your future. I know that Gut-Wrenching Soul Pain. We just experienced a miscarriage at 10.5 weeks. You are not alone in this world.
ReplyDeleteDo it. I have not been in your shoes, so I cannot tell you I know how you feel. And while I may not have lost a husband, I have lost people close to me, including my father when I was your age.
ReplyDeleteMany people fear changing things after losing loved ones. They fear changing their loved one's room... removing their loved one's things for fear of losing the memories.
But I know from experience that memories don't reside in THINGS. They reside in you. And no matter where you are, you are going to carry your husband's memories with you all the time. Especially since you have your precious daughter.
I may not know your husband, but I know he would want you to be happy. And if Southern California makes you happy and allows you to start healing from the hurt and bringing the joy of your past with him to the forefront, then that's what he'd want you to do.
Tell me... if he were in your shoes... what would you want HIM to do? Would you want him to move somewhere that would bring warmth and sun (literally) to his life?
I say follow your heart. It will lead you in the right direction. Stay strong, you are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure if my advice is going to be helpful or not. I truly believe that the location on the planet that you live is not going to make you happy. It will not be the fix. You seem so strong. I of course am not saying don't move (why would I do that?) Move if you want of course, but make sure you are moving toward a new opportunity not thinking that Southern CA is going to be end all be all of a person's happiness. Always be right with yourself, which you are....moving is not an easy decision. Good luck if you do :)
ReplyDeleteThis brought tears to my eyes. You are such a strong women! I'm sure you'll find you answer soon :)
ReplyDeleteI will be keeping you in my prayers during this time. I can't imagine. It is gorgeous out here in Southern California. It's been a dream come true to be stationed here! We'll be up near Pendalton. There are a thousand things to consider and think about, and God will lead you. Mr. P will lead you. He'll always be with you- no matter what house you're in.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, my heart goes out to you as you try to make such a difficult decision. The fact that this is even on the table shows how much it really means to you, despite all that you'd be leaving behind. I think it's time for you to be selfish and take this leap. If nothing else, you can always come back home. You have one shot for TMO to move you, you may as well take it. We just did that, in our move to Colorado. Yes, you are leaving behind the home you had with your husband, but is it really home without him in it? I do believe his home is in your heart now, and that he will follow you wherever you go, just as you did with him in the Marine Corps.
ReplyDeleteStart looking out there - where you would live, your support system, where you might work or go to school, etc. You may find the sign you're looking for in the process. *hugs*
You are such a remarkable woman and writer!! I think you should go where you think you can start again, I cant imagine how difficut it may be to leave the house you both intended on living in as a family. I believe you shouldn't linger somehere where you are just stagnant, you should spread your wings and breathe fresh new life into your soul.You have so much to offer to this world. You and your baby girl deserve the best! I am praying that you do what is in your heart. Good luck girl!
ReplyDeleteRachel, as always, I love you.
ReplyDeleteNow, on to address your post: I say give it a shot. If you're more miserable out there, you can always come back, but I don't want you to live your life asking yourself "what if."
Who knows - that move could be just what you need to brighten your mood (it's also WAY closer to me, and I love me vacations to warm places - just saying).
You won't lose memories because you're no longer in the place where they happened. Memories are treasures no person place or thing can take away from you. They travel with you from place to place. The same way Johnny travels with you as a guardian angel. He will be with you wherever you might wind up.
hey Mrs P if you do decide to move to SoCal im right next to CP i used to be in, there are lost of military wifes here that would help you in any way. make sure you think this through
ReplyDeletemuch love!
Come to San Diego! It's a great place, always warm, and the Marine Corps base isn't too far. There's the Zoo and Seaworld for Ari, too. You'll feel right at home. PLUS....there are great counseling programs in SD too, but I'm partial to mine. Lol.
ReplyDeleteYou'd love it here, and you'd have at least one friend. And, really, what's the worst that can happen? If you hate it, you can always go somewhere else!
I totally agree with you. An it's definitely not forgetting but moving forward. And SoCal is definitely a great place. I've lived all over SoCal from LA to SD and everywhere in between. Maybe I'm biased but I love it and there are 4 USMC bases to choose from but if I were you, I'd rule out living near 29 Palms
ReplyDeleteI Love it in SoCal. It always makes me happy to be there.
ReplyDeleteI know all too well what it's like to feel your soul hurting, to feel numbness and to feel like you're trapped in some sort of bubble watching the rest of the world go by and people live their lives when you're in a rut (mine was caused from a rather traumatic event).
ReplyDeleteBut a new start sounds like a good idea. I say don't rush it...take your time to reflect on it and get feedback from others. Your love is there for you always to give you strength. Prayers headed your way!
Rachel first, I read this post to my husband. He said his heart goes out to you and your daughter. My two cents: if you feel a pull to SoCo then you should go! I can tell you it's beautiful.. Actually in the airport on my way there now for a long weekend. At this point all you can do is follow your gut!!
ReplyDeleteYou know my thoughts;)
ReplyDeleteWhat is TMO? I could google it I guess, but just tell me :)
ReplyDeleteI think you should move...but then again your parents...they are such a big part of your life, and now Ariana's. What do they have to say about it?
I mean, if you moved and missed them too much, you could ALWAYS move back...so maybe take the leap! :)
We used to live in Southern CA. I understand its draw, I understand your need/desire for a fresh start, but, IMHO, I don't think I could ever leave that house, since it was yours together.
ReplyDeleteHowever, you're mentality's so important because you have to keep on keepin' on for that beautiful little girl your husband gave you. If you need to move, do it. People will understand. You've been through something millions pray they'll never have to experience. Good people will stand by you :-)
I say go for it! A new place I think would be great for you and baby. Like everyone else said if you don't like it you can go somewhere else :)
ReplyDeleteI don't have much advice, just lots of love and the promise of support no matter what you decide. After all, nothing is permanent. If you get there and don't like it, you can always come back, right?
ReplyDeleteDon't forget, his home was where YOU are. So where ever you move, he will come with you. I love you.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get your answer. I don't think you can make a "wrong" choice though. Give it a try, and if it doesn't work out then move back. I am sure your parents will support whatever you feel you need to do to move forward in your healing process. No matter where you live you are NOT leaving your love behind, he is always always with you and Ari.
ReplyDeleteIf this is something you want to do, do it. Think about it, pray about it, and your heart will tell you the right thing. Your mom and dad are always just a phone call or plane ride away. If you ever needed to come back, you could.
ReplyDeleteIf you do move out there and decide it isn't right you could always move back again. I know that is a lot of back and forth but life is about taking chances. You have a reason for going and opportunity that you can take. What is the worst thing that could happen? You realize after a few months of sun you miss the cold and move back!
Kelly,
ReplyDeleteI'm only stepping out of lurkdom to comment because I was born and raised in San Diego (east county). It is a nice place, always warm, though many SanDiegan's think 70 degrees is cold, lol. 60 degrees is just plain freezing, they'll be bundled up in sweaters and ugg boots. Now that I've experienced seasons, I don't ever want to go back to live there. I spent too much time in the mohave desert on our last assignment, and now all of SoCal feels like a giant desert to me. Vegas is hell on earth in the summer, don't let it's cooler fall temps trick you!
There's lots to do that's for sure. But cost of living is pretty high too, and quality of housing to cost ratio can be shockingly disproportionate. Be sure to take a good look at the finances before making the move, because San Diego isn't as much fun when you can't afford to do much (how I felt when I was growing up).
My mother moved away from San Diego 5 years ago because cost of living was just so high, and she was miserable. She moved to Portland to be near her best friend who had just moved. Well, she was able to get a nicer appartment for far less, and had found a better paying job too! Had a dishwasher and a washer/dryer in her appartment for the first time ever! I grew up having to go to the laundry mat, ugh. But like others have said, the move won't make the everything bad go away. Now, my mom is pretty miserable in Portland too. She wants to go back to San Diego, but the economy has tanked back home and she couldn't find a job down there (her former boss told her the company was closing up shop). If she'd stayed in San Diego she would be loosing her job this month. So it's hard to conclude she shouldn't have gone, she just wishes she could go home now.
There are many great things out there I miss sometimes. But mostly, just being close to family (because that's where my family is), but only once in a while, because I'm one of those weird ones who likes the distance from family most of the time. If you value being close to family, moving might not be a good idea at all. My mom needs to be close to family, and that is why she's so miserable living so far away from them now. I'd say she's much worse off then before she moved to be honest. However, I'm much better off having moved away from home. I suppose it's hard to know for sure how you'll do unless you try. So if you go, have a return plan, just in case.
For what it's worth we just moved to Oceanside, CA...northern San Diego area. You'd have a cyber friend here and I'd be happy to show you the ropes out here! I'm a Florida girl and every single one of my family members lives on the East coast. It's an adjustment, but totally doable...if you WANT to. Wherever you want to be, you'll make work. Trust your gut! My 2 year old little girl would love a playmate ;) If you're seriously considering it feel free to shoot me and email and I'll be happy to try and help with any concerns you have. It's a whole different world out here but I gotta tell you it's gorgeous and does the spirit well. And speaking as a milspouse I say take TMO for what you can...get that cross country move outta them because it's not a cheap one! lol ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm with Gladys, come to CA! You probably have more friends here than you realize, and we'd all LOVE to help with Ariana, show you the sights, etc.
ReplyDeleteWhatever you decide, I know you'll be just fine, and Mr. P will be with you wherever you go.
Do it, do it, do it! I don't know you or your hubby, but I bet your spunky personality is one of the things he loved about you. Chase your dreams and let your daughter see you doing it!
ReplyDeleteI am from Southern California and love it! I am actually moving back once I have my baby. But my advice to you is do what you want to do. It is not going to break your moms heart ( i thought the same thing till we talked) and it is showing that you are getting strong enough to do this on your own. Your family will always be there for you no matter what. And you can always keep the home you and your husband had until you are ready to let go of it (if ever).
ReplyDeleteJust remember moves are never premanent until you make them permanent. You can always go back "home" to family. They will never shut the door on you.
Do you know what part you were thinking about? I am from Huntington Beach (30 mins to an hour south of camp pendelton)
I know we don't know each other, but I though maybe I could throw in my two cents. Your husband will always be a part of you no matter where you live. No matter what place becomes your place of dwelling.....He will be there. He will be in the pictures in the furniture....in the crack in a glass you remember he broke. Even if you move....he won't be gone. Even if you got all new furniture....new everything in your home....he is still there with everything you do, and every time you see your daughter.
ReplyDeleteI love San Diego, and I think it is a great place to live. But you need to ask yourself this......Will being around so many military families cause your heart to ache more? Or will going to school and continuing life be just what your husband would want for you. How long would he want you to be on hold?
Doing this will not be easy. You will cry like a baby, question your sanity, and wonder if this is right for you. But I think you already know the answer. You wrote this post to state that what you want is to go to school and move to SD. The thing that is holding you back, is feeling guilty, and like you might hurt those around you. Your family will be sad to see you go, but be proud of how brave you are in continuing your life. They will be worried about your safety, and how you will be, but will be bursting with pride when you start your first class, I am guessing they will be very supportive.
I think you have made up your mind, and all you need to do now is start working on some details. Good luck and I am here for you whenever you want to chat.
-Andrea
I think when you are supposed to be somewhere...you will just know it. What I think you have learned more than most people is that there may not be a tomorrow. You can't live your life fearing the things you don't know. You can't wait for life to happen to you. You have to go get it. You have to find it. Yes...it may be difficult. But the life you are living now is difficult. Your parents would visit. You would make more friends. I think if you want something...go after it. Don't let the fear hold you back. But that's just my opinion. ;-)
ReplyDeleteYou know where I am here in San Diego and my doors are always open in the ever-sunshiney desert if you want to come visit/stay for a bit. There's not much here, but it's kind of nice that way!
ReplyDeletepraying for you in this VERY difficult decision. alot to process for sure. having moved 18 hours away from ALL of our family last summer (not a military move), i CAN tell you it is VERY difficult being so far from family. anyway - still praying for peace and guidance for you :)
ReplyDeletehugs, misty in NC :)
Do what is in your heart. Jonny will always be with you no matter where you go. Fly.
ReplyDeleteWhen someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure. ~Author Unknown
ReplyDeleteI saw this quote and I thought of you. We dont' know each other IRL, I came across your blog through the Jacksonville Daily News and have become an avid reader of your blog. I think of you and Ari quite often (not in the stalkerish/scaryish kinda of way! ha).
I hope that you get your sign/answer soon. I will be moving to Southern California in about a year...however I'll be a little north of San Diego. I love it there. There's so many things to do, and places to go. There's always something going on. and, 95% (if not more) of the time, it's SUNNY!! My husband is not a fan of the East coast for all of it's lovely rain. :)
Like one of the girls said, what would Jonny want you to do? I think it is a super hard decision but you gotta start thinking of new beginnings and happiness for you and Ari and maybe moving away is a good idea...How about you did a trial move? Might be expensive but you can see how you really feel about it..like go out there for a 3-4 weeks and then at the end of the 4 weeks come back and see which place makes your heart feel better, I think that's probably the best way to do it but remember your hubby is always there he will never leave your heart so regardless of where you are he will be there...yeah you wont be able to go on base or to onslow beach or places in town you visited together but you can always come back and when Ari gets older you can bring her back and show her all your places ;)maybe it actually is better to move away from here for a while I think it makes it hurt more to be around all of the places you spent time together
ReplyDeleteIf you move to the West Coast...we are here to help you anyway you need it..just say the word. Listen to what your gut is telling you to do. Any decision you make can always be reversed, your baby is young so you have time..until school starts and really even then it's not too late just other considerations to make. The last thing you want to do is live with the "what ifs?" If you do it and it doesn't work out then you re-evaluate but then you'll know...don't live with regrets...you more than most know life is too short to live with regrets...again..if you find yourself on the left coast..you have some extra hands if needed!
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing woman, and you fill the shoes that we all wish we didn't have to. I have wondered where I would go if I was in your boat, because all the places you have been aren't the same as they were when you left them. Follow your heart and soul...NOT your head. Go west...Maybe I will see you there in May!
ReplyDeleteHi Mrs. P.,
ReplyDeleteSomehow I stumbled upon your blog today, and, randomly, I saw that you're thinking of moving to SoCal? I live there :)
I live in Santa Monica, which is basically Los Angeles' beachy part (or one them). I was raised in VA, and my husband in PA, so we're really east-coasters. Everyone here is a transplant though, and I believe you've been called for a reason. Perhaps you should just schedule a trip to see - after all, as of now you know at least a couple people who could show you around, and you wouldn't have to do the touristy thing!
Anyway, I'm just commenting b/c I don't think it's necessarily coincidence I ran across your blog - let me know if you have any questions about the area or anything else about making a big move like that!
Why don't you just go out there, rent a house or an apartment for a year and then see where you stand at the end of the year? It could turn out to just be a much needed extended retreat that could help you kind of clear the cobwebs in your head and decide where life will take you next. Or you may find you want to make it permenant! But that way you could have the best of all worlds :)
ReplyDeleteRach i say that change is a good thing, but then again so is comfort. Jonny will be with you wherever you go and you're family and friends are just a plane ride or phone call away. You just need to look deep in your heart and figure if you're ready or not to leave what you and Johnny started. You have to go on for you and Ari and like i said he will follow you ALWAYS! You have a tough decision to make but you are a very smart person and you're extremely strong so I know that whatever you decide it will be whats best for you and Ari and Jonny would be proud of the wife, mother, daughter, and friend that you are!
ReplyDeleteSince this is the Internet, and advice is free (and worth what you pay for it), keep your heart open.
ReplyDeleteI was a Marine, and if I had been called to make the ultimate sacrifice, I would not have wanted her to spend her life caught by that event. I would have wanted her to always remember me and our time together, but to have gone on, lived a full life, loved again.
We got married when I was 3 days out of Parris Island, Halloween of 1977. She and I are still together, just celebrated 33 years last week, and I can say you have to live without fear, risk your life and your heart.
Go west, if life calls you there. Cherish and honor your memories, but live life with courage and a spirit of adventure.
Semper Fidelis,
ASM826
My prayers are with you. You will find the answer soon, don't worry. Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteI will pray that God directs your steps according to Proverbs 3:6, Proverbs 16:9, and Psalm 119:33, which He put on my heart to remind you of.
ReplyDeleteI haven't stopped by in a while, partly because Husband is gone and sometimes it's hard to want to read here. I blogged about Veterans Day and had to think of you, and others. Of those I have known going through this, all of them have made a change like this to get out and away from their surroundings. Take heart in knowing most of them returned. But sometimes you need a break to make it, I think. You are on my heart. If you do go to SD, I'm "from there" as much as a Navy brat can be from anywhere, and would be happy to fill in the blanks. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteLori @ Witty Little Secret
Wow, this post is heavy. Thanks for sharing. I am a Navy wife from San Diego and sure, I think a move there would be great. There are great churches there, shopping, beaches and more. I will pray for you.
ReplyDeleteKristen
www.myhealthysushi.com
From a financial point of view, I would advise against Southern California unless you REALLY know you want to be there and will have financial stability in the long term. The state of California is BROKE and without the protection of the Military umbrella, it might be difficult housing wise to find a nice neighborhood within normal price range. That and the taxes ugh. I could not wait to move. I foolishly became a state resident when we were stationed there because I had a job off base and let me tell you, last year I received an IOU for my state income tax return. I had co-workers who couldn’t even get their refund checks cashed because the banks did not trust the state checks to go through. The east coast is more stable in that sense (at least Maryland/DC/Virginia area) and you would have family nearby which is incredibly helpful. Just my two cents though and ultimately, you will do what is best because you know a lot more than we do. Always sending warm thoughts your way!
ReplyDelete-Mrs. Ish