Worth Fighting For

"You are the only girl I have ever fought for. Usually, I'd just end it with girls or let them walk out. But, there's something about you, I'm crazy about you. And I don't want to live without you."

Jonny said that to me early on when we were dating. I knew I was falling in love with him and was scared and tried to run. And he didn't let me. He was so incredibly in love with me, and I with him, but I had started to let fear win. He wasn't going to let me go. I'd talked myself out of love, that it wasn't real and that it only hurt and when I knew I was falling again I was so damn terrified that I'd be hurt but he didn't let me take the easy way out, he showed me what true love is. Sometimes, I wished that we hadn't had a rough patch right in the beginning, but I look back and know that we conquered it, that love won out after all and I'm kind of glad I have these words to remember. Because he did; he fought for me. Because I was worth fighting for. Because he was in love with me. Because he knew my fear was stupid and I was better than being scared of love, I was worth loving and I deserved every ounce of love he had to give me. I can't ever let myself forget that. No matter how mad I get at him, no matter how much I question things. He loved me. More than he'd ever loved any human being. And I love him, more than I have ever loved any human being. Our love was intense and it was just so real. I miss that love. I miss being worth fighting for. I miss knowing that I'm the most beautiful and amazing person, at least in one person's world. Most of all, I just miss you, Stink. I will love you forever and ever, babe.

I had to change my ID card today. It sucked a little (ok, a lot). Just another punch of reality. A written piece of "he's gone" to carry around and show to people when necessary. I don't want that reality. I can't pretend it's a dream forever though, can I? Because it's real. Real love, real death. It's all real.

I won't let fear win out this time though, babe. I will not take any easy road out. I will do my best to remember everything (I know I won't be able to remember everything, but I will try) and I will keep your spirit and memory alive. I will not ever question whether our love was real. I will rejoice in the love that we had, and still share, and I will let it make me a stronger person. I will never, ever forget you and I will never, ever stop loving you. Those are promises I can make.