Worth Fighting For

"You are the only girl I have ever fought for. Usually, I'd just end it with girls or let them walk out. But, there's something about you, I'm crazy about you. And I don't want to live without you."

Jonny said that to me early on when we were dating. I knew I was falling in love with him and was scared and tried to run. And he didn't let me. He was so incredibly in love with me, and I with him, but I had started to let fear win. He wasn't going to let me go. I'd talked myself out of love, that it wasn't real and that it only hurt and when I knew I was falling again I was so damn terrified that I'd be hurt but he didn't let me take the easy way out, he showed me what true love is. Sometimes, I wished that we hadn't had a rough patch right in the beginning, but I look back and know that we conquered it, that love won out after all and I'm kind of glad I have these words to remember. Because he did; he fought for me. Because I was worth fighting for. Because he was in love with me. Because he knew my fear was stupid and I was better than being scared of love, I was worth loving and I deserved every ounce of love he had to give me. I can't ever let myself forget that. No matter how mad I get at him, no matter how much I question things. He loved me. More than he'd ever loved any human being. And I love him, more than I have ever loved any human being. Our love was intense and it was just so real. I miss that love. I miss being worth fighting for. I miss knowing that I'm the most beautiful and amazing person, at least in one person's world. Most of all, I just miss you, Stink. I will love you forever and ever, babe.

I had to change my ID card today. It sucked a little (ok, a lot). Just another punch of reality. A written piece of "he's gone" to carry around and show to people when necessary. I don't want that reality. I can't pretend it's a dream forever though, can I? Because it's real. Real love, real death. It's all real.

I won't let fear win out this time though, babe. I will not take any easy road out. I will do my best to remember everything (I know I won't be able to remember everything, but I will try) and I will keep your spirit and memory alive. I will not ever question whether our love was real. I will rejoice in the love that we had, and still share, and I will let it make me a stronger person. I will never, ever forget you and I will never, ever stop loving you. Those are promises I can make.

36 comments

  1. You *are* still worth fighting for. Just because he's gone from here doesn't make it any less true. Take care xxx

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  2. So ridiculously impressed with how strong you are time and time again xoxo

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  3. RJP,

    Hey you I am sorry that you had to change the Id Card today. They are mean, that is all I can say. You are so right though, true love in worth fighting for, it knows know boundaries or time line. It can be long and time consuming to fight for the love we want and deserve.

    Keep fighting the good fight, good things will happen to you in life. I can't wait for Friday call me.

    MRB

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  4. You have honored your Jonny so much already. Everyone that comes to your blog will get know a very little piece of him and he is not just a name on a page and that is because of you. I can see why he fought for you, you are worth it. You are an amazing young woman and I am proud that you are a part of my Marine family. You go girl...be amazing!

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  5. Beautiful. It made me cry a little...okay ALOT! You seem like a very beautiful person inside and out! I'm sorry for your loss, it's such a blessing that you have a pretty little girl to always remind you of him!

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  6. You are 100% worth fighting for. Everyone who knows you knows that ... always and forever.
    Barbara

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  7. Rach, I know it's not the same but there are a lot of people out there, me included, that think of you as beautiful and amazing. And so much more. PROMISE ;) love and hugs!

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  8. This is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing this.

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  9. Just... hug. Lots of hugs. Again, you are amazing to share this with us.

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  10. You are such a strong woman. And those memories are beautiful, what you two had was amazing and beautiful.

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  11. Beautifully said Rachel, just beautiful!! XOXO

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  12. Amazing post Mrs. P. You are wonderful and he will always love you in return. Keep your head up babe <3

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  13. Praying for strength for you and your beautiful daughter. You are an amazing Mama!

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  14. This is was a beautiful post. Purely Beautiful thanks for sharing. I am praying for you.

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  15. Sweet Mrs. P,
    I just wanted you to know that I am absolutely amazed at your strength. You have stayed strong even though it would be easier to fall to pieces. You seem like a wonderful woman and your daughter is lucky to have you. Saying lots of prayers down in GA!
    LH

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  16. This is beautiful. I believe that your guys' love will last beyond what many people will ever be able to experience and that is incredible. Love like what you all had (and have in my opinion) is few and far between these days. You are an amazing woman. :)

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  17. Just want to tell you that you are an amazing woman. I hope that I can react with your grace and strength if I ever end up in your shoes.

    Thank you for sharing.

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  18. I have been reading your blog for a few months now-I believe since back in the summer. Anyway, I read about your blog in the JD News. I came to it and read it from the first to the most current in a weekend. I laughed, I cried, I hurt. I really enjoy reading your blog. You are an inspiration. I know all I can say is I'm sorry for your loss and I know that it is insignificant. But, I truly am. I wish you and your little girl-who is so cute-all the best!

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  19. You are so strong getting through this! And while you may not remember everything, you have your blog and your/his family who each have unique memories to help you. It might be worth printing out some of your blogs or writing in a journal that way you have a hard copy to carry around with you wherever you go; for whenever those moments hit. Keep your head high and keep praying!

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  20. ((HUGS)) I love the way you write. You speak from your heart, and that is very admirable.

    This sounds creepy. But I'm glad we're friends. I am glad I get to (blog) witness Ariana growing up (unless you find out how to keep her a baby, cause that would be AWESOME!) so I can see you teach Ariana this wonderful love that you and Jonny shared. I'm so glad you were able to expirience it, because I really believe it will carry on to how she loves others... Totally glad we're friends.

    Totally made me sound like a creeper right??!! hahaha...

    And, I don't want to give you a premature heart attack or anything... but OD is down, its been down for a few days... Apparently there is problems with the server or something. It claims on the fb page that data won't be lost, and I could careless about most everything in my diary, but I know yours stores the begining of you and Jonny, that if you haven't saved, you may want to... So... I'll let you know if it comes back up. ((HUGS)) Hillary

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  21. Hi Rachel,

    I have been following your blog since May, I let me tell you that I look forward to reading every blog entre that you make. I admire you so much and I just wish you and Ariana that best in this world.

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  22. Sweetie you still are worth fighting for!

    Loves!

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  23. You're amazing. End of story.
    Love you, girl!

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  24. Every time I read your blog, I want to fight for my country and my family that much more! You are such an inspiration and so is your Johnny.
    I want to be brave like the both of you

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  25. He will always be in love with you and he'll always be fighting for you, even if you can't see him. I truly believe that people we love always keep a watchful eye on us even when they're done here on Earth.

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  26. You mean your military ID card?
    AND, you were worth fighting for!! I am glad he did fight for you and make you come back :)
    Also, I FINALLY answered your 8 questions tonight!! they were hard. hah

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  27. Wow! I've been searching and searching for a "military" blog that would inspire me and I've certainly made it! You must be one increadible woman for holding your head up, taking care of that baby, and moving on as best as you can durring such a painful time. God bless you!!!

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  28. That sounds like me and The Hubble when we first started dating. Sometimes you just know.

    If it helps at all...there is still at least one person in this world that thinks you are the most beautiful, most amazing person. Ariana. To her, you hang the moon and the stars. You are her life and her love. You are her most cherished person. xoxo

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  29. Your so amazing, i love how strong you are! you are an inspiration!
    The love you guys share is just so amazing!

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