What We'd Be Doing

I'm in a funk today. I've been in a funk for a few days, actually. I try to shake it off but it creeps up when it wants and there's nothing I can really do about it. I do my best to fight through it but there are days when it gets the best of me, like today.

I can't help but feel utterly alone. I am constantly watching people just walk right out of my life. No warning, just gone. And that is where the insecurity comes from. Not whether or not I look good or am fun but when everyone will eventually leave. They all will, eventually. No one can be there forever, not even the ones who promise.

I find myself thinking about what we'd be doing if you were here. It's Sunday. We'd be watching football. You'd be stoked to know that we get the Pats game today at 4. Would we be home for it? Would we have gone to Hooters or B Dubs to watch? It's fall, we would have our punkins already carved (punkins that I haven't even looked at this year... what's the point?) Yours would be better than mine. It always was. Remember when we did ours last year and I did the little skull with the bow? I cut it too thin so it would barely stay and we had to try to keep it together with toothpicks. You thought it was hilarious, I pouted. Mine rotted super fast too. There were three; yours with the big face, my lil skull and then baby punkin that we didn't cut. Our lil punkin family. What else would we do? Maybe we would have stayed in PJs all day, maybe we would have gotten dressed. Clothes were worn in minimal amounts at our house, you'd have your shirt off even if you had gotten dressed. Unless we were going somewhere chances are I'd be in some form of PJs. Ariana would probably be in PJs too. Would you guys be playing on the floor? Would she look at you and say dada? She would definitely be climbing all over you as you laid on the floor, like she does with me, but you'd be more fun. Maybe we would have gotten a sitter and gone out this weekend. Maybe we would have had a date. Dinner and a movie. Maybe we would have stayed in. After the baby went down, we would have cuddled up on the couch and watched movies and eaten food that we shouldn't. You'd eat a bowl of ice cream, I know it. Maybe we would have gotten in a fight. We would have yelled at each other. Your face would turn red and you'd puff all up as I pushed all the buttons to make you mad. Your nostrils would flare. We would still go to bed together. You wouldn't let me go to bed mad. You'd still tell me how much you love me and I would tell you how much I love you too, even though you're being a jerk (even though chances are I started the fight). In the morning we would have woken up next to each other and everything would be fine. We might even laugh about it. Or we'd apologize. And mean it. Maybe we would have gone to friends' houses. We would laugh and hang out. Kids would play together. Maybe drinks, maybe not. We would go to get your hair cut. And probably do some grocery shopping. The kitchen would actually have food in it and I would actually still cook. We would have dinner and share what we were eating with the baby. We might have even sat at the table as a family. It would have been a good weekend. All the things we could be doing... all the things we would be doing. If only.

And now, I'm here. Without any of those things. Without you. I'm just a piece of a person. You used to pick up my pieces when they fell apart. Now there's no one who can (and who even would want to, anyway) and most of those pieces are missing anyway. I'm the puzzle that's too much blue that's been dropped once or twice so many of the pieces are lost. The puzzle that never fits right together and with all that blue it's too difficult to put together so no one wants to anyway. Wow, rereading that... pity, party of one anyone?

I've just been listening to some Jack's Mannequin today. Man do I love me some Jack's. I should be cleaning and working on Ariana's halloween costume but in this funk I have zero motivation. So I'm sitting here, writing, maybe if I get some of it out I'll feel better. Maybe not. Probably not.

Jack's Mannequin Rescued
Two to one static to the sound of you and I,
Undone for the last time
And there this was
Hiding at the bottom of your swimming pool
Some September
And don't you think I wish that I could stay?
Your lips give you away
I can hear it
A jet engine
Through the center of the storm
And I'm thinking
I'd prefer not to be rescued

Two to none roads that lead away from this
I'm following myself just this once
And I got spun
It appears you're spun as well
It happens when you pay attention
Well, this could take all year
But when it's quiet does she hear me?
A jet is sent to the center of the storm
And I'm thinking I'd prefer not to be rescued

And oh, I can feel her, she's dying just to keep me cool
And I'm finally numb so please don't get me rescued

And it's unclear but this may be my last song
Oh I, I can tell
She's raising hell to give to me
She got me warm
So please don't get me rescued
And oh, say you'll miss me
One last time and I'll be strong
But whatever you do, please don't get me rescued

Because I'm feeling like
I might need to be near you
And I feel alright, so please don't get me rescued.


  1. You probably don't want anymore tears, but I can't help myself. I want you to know that you are NOT alone, though, there are people all around you that read your words and are present. I wish I knew you well enough to bring you some tea and maybe some tissue and just sit with you and let you be. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through and honestly, I don't want to try, reading your posts is hard enough. I wish I had words to make you feel better and less alone or that were less lame than hang in there.

  2. I found your blog by clicking through some other military related blogs, and I noticed you had a Phi Mu tag. I was a Phi Mu in college too! :)

    I read through some of your back entries and you are an amazingly strong woman. You should be proud of yourself.

    LIOB, a Phi Mu blogger with a military boyfriend. ;)

  3. :( Hugging you through the computer!

  4. I hope there is some small comfort in knowing all of us out here on the interwebs "hear" you, and read what you are going through and also weep for what you both have lost. Many thoughts and prayers for you this day, and every day.

  5. Oh this made me cry. I truly hate how time got cut so short for you guys. It breaks my heart you don't get to do those things. But I do believe God isn't going to let you spend the rest of your life feeling broken and alone. He's just not like that. (((HUGS)))

  6. ((hugs)) Your online friends are here and aren't going away. I know you are new-ish to Twitter, but it's a pretty tight-knit military community. And we are totally excited to have you a part of it.

  7. I'm with Mandy and the cyber hugs....

    If you need a friend... I'm here ((HUGS))

  8. Just read this out loud to my husband, and it brought tears to both our eyes. We all need to appreciate what we have when we have it... Sending you BIG hugs. xoxo

  9. I know you don't know me Mrs. P but I've been following your blog and just wanted to send you some electronic hugs! I'm praying for you too. I wish we lived closer and I knew you well enough that I could bring you some dinner, etc. **HUGS**

  10. I've been known to be "cold" or "emotionless" or whatever you want to call it, But I'm not. I just hide them a lot. I've told you before, I rarely cry. I know the tears are there inside...they just never seem to come out. But your writing just does it...every time I read...I cry. It's like a thousand emotions all at once. *hugs*

  11. I think about those things all the time. Here's to virtual hugs! <3

  12. Hug..and a prayer. Your a very strong woman keep your head up.

  13. Sometimes I wish we could just cry together :'(

  14. Hugs!! This to shall pass sweetie! You are never alone there are so many people that love you and looking out for you! Hang in there and it is okay to be mad and angry and cry and happy and everything in between. It is all part of the crappy process!

  15. I LOVE YOU. The end. Stay strong honey. Remember, I'm taking you out!

  16. I wish there was something that I could do, or anyone for that matter could do to fix everything. Give you all of that back and put your pieces back together and give you happiness. I can't begin to imagine the pain, the hurt, the emptyness that you feel. All I can say is you are an inspiration, and you are so unbelieveably strong. I can only hope I one day have half of the strength you have. You really deserve more credit than you give yourself. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

    -Anne, A Proud Navy Girlfriend.

  17. I can not begin to fathom the feelings that you feel. yesterday, today, tomorrow.....

    so rather than stick my foot in my mouth {is there a computer term for that?} I'll just leave you with a big {{{{{HUG}}}}}

  18. I've been following for a bit and just wanted to send a ((hug from a hooters' girl))

    Know that sharing your feelings, is helping you and others. I just want to send you hugs and support.


  19. Praying for you in TN...

    There are no words.

    XO, Rachel

  20. carve a damn pumpkin!! Ariana will at least appreciate it!! Carve one and take a picture of her next to it! Let the traditions still go on :)

  21. I hope you're havign a better day today! i gave you an AWARD shout out on my blog today. Check it out: http://leeanderin.blogspot.com/2010/10/humbly-bowed.html

  22. I wish there were words that I could say that would make you feel better. I don't know you but have been following you for a few weeks. I think you are incredibly strong and inspiring. my heart breaks for you and your precious baby girl. you are not alone and even though it doesn't feel like things are going to get better, they will in time.

    Jackie~ Proud Marine Wife

  23. (((HUGS))) <3 wishing it could be different for you . . .
    misty :)

  24. Rachel, I cried through this post. Joining the big e-hug group, and sending you and Ari many good thoughts.

  25. New reader, and soon to be follower, to your blog; a fellow Army wife, with a deployed hubby-for the 3rd time, with a one year old...

    I am so, so sorry for your loss. And, I don't think that was a pity party at all. You are more than able to have some of those.

    I hope you know how much I feel for your situation. I cannot even begin to imagine, but I have such respect for you and what you're doing...surviving. My husband is my very best friend, my soul mate and I get tears in my eyes thinking certain things.

    Your baby girl is gorgeous, and I hope you know how many people hold you in their prayers.

  26. My thoughts are with you. ((HUGS))


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