They're Back

Advon came back last night. Jonny would have been advon. I should be sitting on my porch with him this very moment. Or doing other activities, but either way with him. But I'm not. I took it pretty hard. Luckily last night I had friends here with me to occupy me and keep me company. But this morning when everyone had gone home, I was left with myself, my thoughts, and that sinking feeling in my stomach. I could barely function. When the baby napped I just laid there. More and more reality. Reality, frankly, fucking blows. Excuse my language but there's no other description, and that doesn't even begin to touch on it. I see people's happy "He's homes!" and post-deployment pictures, and while I know I should feel happy for them, I just can't. I want my "He's home!" I want a happy picture of me and my two babies. I want my family whole. I want my heart whole. Want, want, want. Can't, can't, can't. So what do I do now? I thought that all day long... what the hell am I supposed to do? He is really, really not coming back. He is not getting off a bus. Period. Reality.

I guess I am just supposed to live on. And I make an effort to do that every day. This morning, that felt nearly impossible. Live on? Really? Without my babe? How? I went and had "coffee" (and by coffee I mean Naked juice and a delicious breakfast treat - no caffeine for this girl - but at Starbucks, so it counts) with a new friend. She was so easy to talk to and, although she is not a widster, seemed to really understand and sympathize. Not that I'm saying my other friends don't - they do - and I am so thankful for them - but it was a nice new face and a good time. I got out of the house and moved. I had such a hard time moving today but I did it, and for that I am thankful for her, for our coffee date, and for a fresh pair of ears to listen to the stories I feel like I tell all the time and people may be growing tired of (no, no one has said they're tired of them, but I know the same stories can get old for anyone). I came back to the house after feeling a bit renewed and one of my favorite people came over to hang. She had a new friend with her, as well, and it was great getting to tell stories again. I just love talking about him. Unfortunately our stories are limited and numbered due to the way too short time we had together, so getting to tell stories to new people is always pretty awesome. I made a sign for my friend's husband who will be coming home with Main Body. We always said Alana was my deployment wife, so therefore our husbands were required to take us on as second wives (nothing creepy, it's just a lil joke, people) so I made him a Welcome Home 2nd Hubs! sign. I felt good doing it, too, which is a bit surprising, considering. I also made Jonny a sign for yesterday. I didn't hang it up on the base, it's on my porch, semi-ruined from the amazing rain storm we had yesterday (loooved it!!) but it says "Jonny Porto You come home in the hearts of the guys. We love you and are so proud Stink/Poppa Bear. Love Your Girls, Mama Bear and Buttons. FOREVER AND EVER, BABE." I just couldn't not make him one.

Now I'm just sitting here on the porch with my friends citronella and nicotine. Although let me tell you citronella isn't really doing her job. These bugs out here are out of control. I wonder if they realize how much they are infringing on my smoke/blog/facebook/school stuff on the porch time. Little jerks. Last month, I could handle the knat-bugs and occasional misquitos but now, now there are these HUGE nasty beetles that think they own my porch. They fly into everything and make a huge thunk (or ting when they hit the citronella jar) - I even hear them smacking into the windows from inside the house. They even have the gall to frequently land on me - assholes. But I put up with them because I enjoy the out-of-doors and the smoke-ok environment. I totally get screened-in porches now.

Oh and if you're wondering, I got into my Master's Program. I'm pretty stoked about that. It's conditional acceptance pending them getting my transcripts, and now I've gotta do my essays and recommendation letters (yeah seems a little backwards to me too - your essay sucks we change our mind?) but those aren't problems I foresee.

And lastly, just for a little picker up after a semi-depressing post (the usual these days... gah) how about some photos? My princess will be a whole 5 months in a matter of hours - holy crap!

Jonny's sign

Aquarium? YAY!

Hangin with one of my besties, Emma

The beach is exhausting!

Mom of the year forgot my hat so she covered me in her dress (and 50 SPF)

and lastly...

Momma drinking wine the only proper way (if you're a true bad ass, that is)