Things I Miss

This probably won't be the only time I post something like this, but it'll be the first so...

Today I was just thinking about things I miss. I miss everything about my babe. I miss him more and more each day. People assume it gets easier, but I think that's to the contrary. Actually, talking to fellow widsters, we all feel the same, at least at a point - that it gets worse. Eventually, the guys come home, minus yours. Eventually, reality sinks in (even more) and loneliness hits... 90mph brick wall. The shitty part about reality is it's always there to continue to smack you in the face. Just when you think you're doing "ok," more stuff comes home, or the guys come home, or a song comes on the radio, or you want to tell him something... you get it.

Anyway, as I was saying, I was thinking of the things I miss. And as it is everything, I started constructing a list as different things...

To You:

I miss the way you dance. "Crazy arms" in the car, the "Shush girl, shut ya lips" dance (often in the car as well...), and the silly Porto dance. I always picked on you for that dance, but really I loved it, it was silly and made me laugh, even if I didn't want to be seen dancing with you in public! Just kidding, I loved dancing with you in public. In the house. Anywhere. We were always dancing and singing.

I miss you singing to me. I am thankful I have a few of the songs on the tape, but nothing is as good as the real thing. I miss you singing me to sleep, or over the phone, or over webcam, or just because. You were always singing. I miss how every love song seemed to remind you of me, and you would sing it to me like it were written specifically from you to me. I miss how you took songs like "Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade, which seemed more about fighting and breaking up, and made it a love song. I remember when you told me that song reminded you of me, you said something like Not the breaking up part, just the falling in love with you over and over again part.

I miss singing to you. I have a horrible voice but you loved it. I still sing to you and so many songs speak to me and I sing them to you babe, but I miss you enjoying it. I miss you singing along, I miss the faces we'd make at the certain parts in the song.

I miss your laugh. I miss your contagious smile. I miss how silly and random you were, we were, together. I miss you getting mad at me because I laugh for hours over a joke that makes no sense to anyone but me. Or even if it did make sense, it was lame (we will, we will... ROCK YOU hahaha that still cracks me up - I'm literally laughing about it right now thinking about it - you were sooo irritated that I laughed about that so long, but I know inside you thought it was funny, too).

I miss your therapy. You know what I mean, when you tried to help everyone out with their problems (think Shannon's wedding). You were incredibly caring, and you didn't want to see anyone unhappy, least of all me. I miss you doing anything in your power to make me happy. Trying to solve any issue I had. I'll get back to this 'miss' later.

I miss your ass. The way you shook it, ha. I miss knowing which Marine you were in a crowd of camis just by the way you walked, the way you moved. I miss the way you move. The way you carried yourself. Confident but not cocky. Powerful yet soft.

I miss watching you talk to the baby. I miss you holding her, even though I never saw it. I miss how in love you were with that little girl. I miss my Poppa Bear. I miss the way you call her Buttons and the excitement when talking about her. She misses you too and she doesn't even know it. I'm going to cut this one short because I just can't... go there...

I miss your kisses. You are hands down, by far, the best kisser in the entire universe. I miss those soft, full lips. They were incredible. Love at first kiss, you said it right baby. If it weren't for your amazing kissing skills, we would not be where we are today - you know it! That's what won me over, it was always funny to think about. You made my knees go weak and then you used to make fun of me for it! I made your knees weak. I miss weak knees.

I miss fighting with you. It may sound weird, but it was part of our life, and like I said, I miss everything. Man, we fought. You were fun to fight with though, when you got mad, your vein would make its grand appearance - your daughter does that, too. I miss the way you'd clench your whole body up and look soooo angry and mean but I was not scared because I knew even though you were mad at me at the time, you wouldn't be later. I miss knowing that no stupid fight could tear us apart. I miss yelling, we were both so fucking loud. Shake the house loud. You never wanted me to leave after a fight. And you would never let me go to bed angry. No matter how angry you were at me, I was still your main concern. I miss your apologies and the way you accepted my apologies. I miss that underneath the superficial reason we were angry, we loved each other enough to talk it out and let it go right away. I miss your love notes.

I miss you holding me. I miss feeling so safe in your arms, how tightly you could squeeze. I miss how warm you always were, letting me stick my feet under your legs because my toes are always cold. I miss that when you held me, it felt like nothing in the world was wrong. I miss the way our legs felt under the covers. I miss the way you played with my hair or stroked my skin. I miss how you were always touching me. You know how much I like being touched and you liked to touch (don't be gross here people, I'm talking regular PG touching).

I miss talking to you. I miss the conversations we would have and the views we would discuss. I miss how different our perspectives were but how they seemed to somehow align. Even though we had completely different life experiences, we seemed to be on the same page about so much, we thought so much alike but expressed it so differently. I missed when we disagreed and could have a debate. I miss being right. I miss being wrong. I miss you suddenly remembering what my uncle told you on our wedding day "Yes dear."

I miss playing video games. I miss wii-ing and taking an entire weekend to play old school nintendo or SNES. I miss how competitive we were. I miss getting beaten, horribly, at wii sword fighting and I miss the occasional times I'd actually win and rub it in your face.

I miss our random excursions. I miss you driving over curbs (every time I do that now I think of you and know you're proud - I used to totally freak!). I miss traveling with you. I miss date nights and weekend outtings. I miss watching movies. I miss you reciting lines from movies. I miss you constantly watching Kung Fu Panda and I Love You Man. I miss cooking for you and how everything I made was excellent to you. I miss trying new recipes.

I miss your pet names. I miss you calling me baby. I sometimes miss "Princess Poopstain" but not all the time. Ok, I miss it all the time. I miss you picking on me, never mean just funny. I miss my pet names, Stink (Stinky, Stinky Man), Jonny Cakes, Portopot, Portopotamus, Poppa Bear... I miss that no matter what new name I came up with you were ok with. But most of all, I miss my Stink.

I miss your love. I miss how much you loved me and how you always let me know. I miss your... physical love as well. I miss your hot bod. I miss you kissing me on the forehead, telling me how beautiful I am, how much you love me, and what a great wife I am. So often I felt I didn't measure up to what you thought I was, but what I thought didn't matter because to you I just was and there was no one in the world better.

I miss all the things we didn't get to do... Vacations, water parks, watching our kids grow old, owning a home, planting gardens, having pets, going camping, traveling, retiring, growing old... all the things so many people take for granted, that are part of a "normal" relationship... that we never got the opportunity to do. I miss them.

I miss how you made everything better. You made me a better person, and my life made sense with you in it. I miss that no matter what the problem was, you could fix it. I miss that you wouldn't allow any thing or any one to get me down, Don't let that bitch bother you baby. I miss you making me happy when I thought I was hitting a low. I miss that you could never fail to make me smile. I miss you fixing things, and I am counting on you to help me get through this, because without you, I don't know if I can do it.

I miss you baby, and I love you more than any word could express. Forever and ever, Babe.